Day 12: A Beginner’s Guide to Baby Poop

Let’s talk poop, people.

This morning, Miles unleashed a mighty storm of mustard-colored excrement that it oozed and creeped its way on to most every piece of cloth in a three-foot radius. Judging from the magnitude of the poop in relation to the size of Miles’s body, it is my estimation that the baby is currently comprised of 50-60% shit at any given moment.

The procession of shit is one of the most fascinating parts of watching a newborn develop. Here is a catalog of all the types of poop I’ve witnessed so far, a list I plan to update as new shits develop.

1) The First Poop: “The Bricklayer”

  • What a sight to behold. The first poop fills nearly every crevasse of the diaper (HOPEFULLY, the baby is wearing a diaper at that moment) and is the consistency of cake batter. Color: Glistening Nubian.
2) “The Dark World”
  • Whatever didn’t come out with that first poop rears its ugly head within the next day. Runnier than the first poo and given more time to gestate, this one comes out looking like liquid dark matter.
3) “Missing Time”
  • Between those first couple poops and the beginning of milk-feeding, the baby produces very little poop. There may be some spots here and there, but the baby’s body is using so much of the collostrum it’s taking in that very little waste is produced. Enjoy this time, for it will never come again.
4) “Carolina Gold”
  • Here’s where the fun begins. These first few poos after real feeding time starts are runny and bright yellow, like the sauce lathering a mountain of pulled pork at a backyard pig pickin’.
5) “In the Conservatory, with the Wrench”
  • With the introductory poops out of the way, now is the time for a degree of normalcy to enter the world of baby poop. This poop will become a familiar sight in the days ahead. The color remains mustard yellow, but is now “seedier,” as tiny seed-like balls of fat are expelled from the body along with the runny goop. The good news: the baby’s digestive system is getting up and running. The bad news: some of these poops smell like death and require a containment team to quarantine. Get as comfortable as you can; this is your life now.
6) “The Mediterranean”
  • Same yellowish color, but much clumpier and less runny. With the seedy fat balls more abundant and tightly-packed, this poop bears a strong resemblance to hummus.

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