Year 5, Day 315

I’m still not feeling great and am spending most of my days in bed this week, but Miles has (mostly) been a source of comfort. I say “mostly” because this morning was maybe one of the worst this house has seen. Screaming, threats, punishments, tears…just an absolute cacophony of misery to start the day. And yes, I got to go back to bed, but I fretted throughout the day about how Miles was rebounding from all of it. I had given him a call after he left with Jaclyn this morning, and things didn’t sound much better at that point.

Having lived with anxiety for so long, I know the crippling feeling of one thing being wrong and how that can go on to derail an entire day. Thankfully, I’ve largely learned how to manage this in adulthood, but as a kid I struggled with it constantly (once I understood what a panic attack was, I was able to trace my first all the way back to third grade, when I stood out in the hallway hyperventilating with my teacher after receiving my first B). There’s a lot I want for Miles, but avoiding that sort of pressure is at the top.

I was still in bed when he came home this evening, and he happily bounded into the room. “Daddy!” he called. “For Family Movie Night I want to watch the ‘I like to move-it, move-it’ movie!”

“Ugh, Miles, anything but that…” I HATE. HATE HATE HATE Madagascar. But I also wanted to do a little digging. “Hey, how was your day at school?”

“Good!” he said (a claim I later confirmed with Jaclyn). He jumped up into bed with me, giggling, and plopped down next to me, clutching my hand.

“Uh, Miles,” I asked, wiggling a little over to the already-too-close edge of the bed. “Could you give me just a little space, buddy? I’m still not feeling well.”

He just laughed and squeezed my hand more. This kid.

We laid there for a few minutes before Jaclyn called for us both to come downstairs. She had dinner for me, and Miles needed to finish his. I rolled out of bed and looked at Miles. “Come on, kid, we need to go eat.”

Miles was already sound asleep, and he stayed that way for the rest of the evening. Any day that Miles is able to soundly bounce back from a rough morning (and I am able to avoid watching Madagascar) is a big win.

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