Day 16

Today was my first day back at work since Miles entered our lives. Do dads look forward to this normally? Because I sure as hell wasn’t.

In all honesty I felt pretty guilty leaving this morning, especially thinking that THIS would be the norm. How much of my son’s life am I going to miss going forward? Have I bonded enough with him in these crucial early days, despite my lack of succulent, milk-producing breasts? Would I ever see the little guy again?

I say that last one in jest. Mostly. But this is a more accurate representation of what typical life is than the last two whirlwind weeks have been. I’ll work all day (and, in the case of Tuesdays and Wednesdays, go to my second gig immediately after) and, if I’m lucky, get ten or fifteen minutes of quality time in that night.

It seems crazy to me, but this is the norm. I’m lucky I had some sick time accrued to tap into for the time I did get off. Actual paternity leave is unpaid as far as NC law goes (although employers can certainly make their own rules in this regard…but guess how many of them actually do). I’m sure I’ll feel better about it all moving forward, as I adjust and stop struggling against it, but for now I just feel bad for leaving Miles and leaving Jaclyn to the bulk of the work of caring for him.

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